I've read about it my whole life. I even thought I was leaning into Him because I had different convictions...because I didn't go to man to feel fulfilled. But I don't think I really felt what it means to step away from the world and stand with God...without man [or woman]. I think I feel it now.
I felt like a child...like a small baby trying to walk on my own. Or I felt like driving for the first time...or swimming without help for the first time. But I had help. All the time I had all the help I needed. I just was uncomfortable merging into a life where I wasn't dependent on this world. I felt like I was cutting a rope that held me up. But isn't that our relationship with God? Isn't our relationship a blessed adventure? I'm sure Indiana Jones felt alone when he was trying to get the Holy grail in the Last Cruisade! But for me it was a matter of being ok with never seeing any of my friends ever again. It was a matter of being ok with just me and God. It was a process of cleansing. And I had to go through the valley...through the rough times to get polished...to get polished more by God's perfect hand. Did you know that a rock has to get roughed up to get polished? I compare myself to a rock :)
I get very impatient with God's plan. Yes I am impatient! I am the Queen of Impatience! I don't even like waiting in line for the bathroom at my own house! But I can't lean on man while I'm waiting for his plan to create beauty. I have to lean in to him further! I have to use a time of waiting and still...to be a time of reckless renovation for my heart! I love His beautiful plan. And with His light...if we follow...He will lead us to total beauty. :)
"Everlasting...Your light will shine when all else fades. Never ending, your glory goes beyond all things. The cry of my heart is to bring you praise..from the inside out. My soul cries out." Inside Out by Hillsong