A few things from the last few months.

Because I'm discovering more and more that I need to write to process - its how I unwind.  

I often find myself coming back here to recount blessing on blessing on blessing...grace on grace. 

It keeps me thankful and humble and confident in the One who has held me and continues to do so. 

I don't want to forget. 

This is all more for personal benefit than anything - I'm pretty sure no one reads this ol' blog anymore. So, if you happen to find yourself here, consider yourself warned...to the grammar mistakes and all. 

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- I finish my undergraduate college career in about 2 1/2 months. 

You know that feeling you get when you run down a hill and your heart is flying because you're right on the edge of going too fast for your legs to keep up but you can't really stop and you're so full of adrenaline and excitement you wouldn't want to even if you could?

That's how I feel this semester. 

Holy wow. 

- I had hip surgery over my winter break...easily one of the most terrifying but most amazing experiences of my entire life. Even though I'm still recovering, I'm walking for the first time without pain or a limp in over 8 years - so much healing, so quickly. 

And I'm so thankful. 

I often catch myself still trying to limp - my body wants to compensate for a pain that's no longer there. 

Funny how we do that, isn't it? In life as well as with hip surgery.  

How quickly we forget our new names...whose we really are. 

We're so quick to return to our previous ways of thinking and living and striving.

Freedom is a beautiful, growing thing. 

But we are free...free, indeed. And we must learn to walk that way. 

- Hippeas Vegan Cheese Puffs. 

I've eaten an entire Costco bag this week. 

Halp. 

- This morning in my business improv class we talked about what a trend apathy has become...how cool it is to seem like you don't care. 

It struck such a chord with me. 

It's such an arid environment, apathy...and so contagious. Nothing grows there. 

We walk around pretending not to care about things that really do matter to us and pretending to care about things that don't matter in the long run. I wonder what would happen if we were more expressive about things we cared about...if laughed, cried, and loved on the people around us more. 

What if we allowed our caring to make us messy sometimes...and what if we were all okay with it? There's definitely a balance to be had...but what if we let these cares and loves and passions guide our lives in ways that aren't always perfectly planned and manicured?

I think Jesus lived this way - full of messy love and passion and humility. 

And I think he wants us to as well. 

I know He gives us the Grace to. 

Just some thoughts.  

- I'm riding a fine line around grandma-hood.

I spend my evenings watching travel documentaries and I've caught myself distracted at least 5 times over the past 4 days, Googling how to renovate camper vans.

Almost time for an intervention? Probably. But I'm not complaining. 

- Japanese is kicking my tail this semester, which kinda makes me sad. 

Its true what they say - if you don't use it you'll lose it. 

I understand most Japanese - but its been so long since I've had a day of conversation with someone. And I feel like I'm trying to run again after being sedentary for months.

But God has a plan for this too.  

 Just gotta keep up the 頑張れ。

- Sometimes when I tell people I'm getting my Masters in Accounting, I kinda cringe. 

Its not the most interesting, must dynamic sounding degree in the world. And if I'm honest, sometimes I skirt around the label.  

I've never wanted to be an accountant -- and I don't think that's changing any time soon. 

I'm not sure what the future holds after I graduate from Grad school - if I'll work for a big firm or a small firm or a non-profit or just be at home with kids one day. Its all very unsure. 

But I'm really okay with it. 

 I know God has a plan for it all. 

He's in the business of making seemingly-borning things exciting. 

And how much can worrying add to my life? 

He's called me to today. He sustains me today.

And the King of Grace has it all perfectly timed for my benefit and His glory. 

A few weeks ago C said I should break the old blog out again...because how else would he know what I'm really thinking. 

Initially, I bucked what he was saying. I'm a grown-ask woman who can express myself in words...I don't need an obsolete blog or dreamy-sounding posts to convey my feelings. 

Wrong. 

He was right. 

I realized this place is more for me than for anyone or anything else.

And I was thankful he convinced me to type out some words again...even if they're imperfect and random and quite rambly.

I need to process this way...to remember in this way...to be grateful this way. 

So, until next time...

Always, 

G

never say never.

In August 2015, I didn’t make a joyous arrival onto UNC’s campus like most freshman did.

I drove onto campus in my dad’s vintage blue Chevy truck, my strapped down belongings fluttering in the highway breeze and my eyes fixed outside the window...

trying to muster the tiniest amusement at my dad’s comments about local landmarks.

Chapel Hill was my parents’ stomping ground...and I wanted no part of it.

We passed the giant stone-walled sign that marks campus and my heart sunk.

“Welcome to the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill - I’m going to Carolina in my mind”

I was definitely not going to Carolina in my mind.

I was angry and terrified, brokenhearted and homesick.

And I allowed those feelings to turn into a massive ball of discontent.

College didn’t appeal to me. America didn’t make any sense.

I was lonely, confused, and still undergoing intense culture-shock after moving from Japan just two weeks before.

No, I was not going to Carolina in my Mind. I was back in Iwakuni - in smells of salt air and mokusei.

This all sounds very dramatic. I was really just like a five-year-old being drug to Kindergarten...and I wanted out.

My parents helped me move into my first dorm room and my sweet Madre did what she always has

done best - made an unfamiliar place a home. She set up my coffee maker, set out my favorite mugs,

strung my folded cranes, and made a place for me to have my quiet time in the morning. In my refrigerator,

she left treats from Trader Joes and beautiful napkins to eat them on. I sat in my creaky wooden desk chair, trying to

stay cool in the Carolina heat and trying not to burst into tears.

“This is going to be the slowest four years ever. I’m going to do all I can to get it done as quickly as possible

so I can leave”, I asserted.

“Okay.” Madre responded, full of experienced grace. “Just don’t forget to enjoy the little things along the way”

I thought I was so mature - so cultured and above it all.

When we’re angry and discontent we think we know better…さすがね。

My parents left, and I quickly transitioned into get-it-done mode.

I poured myself into my schoolwork - so much so that my walls were taped with Biology processes and

equations from my chemistry labs. I studied from 8am until late into the evenings and sacrificed social life for

sociology study guides.

I neglected all fun for the sake of “getting it done as quickly as possible”.

And I was miserable.

Then spring came and something changed. I joined an outdoor sports class and my walls slowly melted.

I learned to play again. I made friends. I laughed more. I picked flowers and stayed up late talking with my

suitemates. I even began to take a little bit of pride in my Carolina Blue. Chapel Hill slowly became my own.

I learned to accept my circumstances...to find joy in them. And I learned that there’s even more maturity in making

the best of things than in standing steadfastly against them. God was gracious. He always is.

—

Fast forward 4 years.

I’m a senior at Chapel Hill now. And every time I drive past the stone

“Going to Carolina in my Mind” sign, my heart kinda swells. I see sweet memories and gratitude

where I saw dread and confinement before.

This place has been so good to me. The Lord has been so good to me through this place.

In the time I’ve been here, much has happened.

The place I thought would limit my horizons actually expanded them and I’ve been granted so much more

than I thought was possible.

I traded biology for a business degree. I learned that empowering people through economic development is my passion.

Spending endless hours in the Japanese department challenged, groomed, and grew my Japanese skills.

I was shepherded by Senseis who genuinely care and who want to see me succeed in Asian business.

I was even able to go to Japan again - once to learn and once to lead others in their learning.

Who woulda thought. Grace on grace on grace.

I built relationships with friends who made Carolina home and who became like family.

The friends that cry and pray over me at my lowest moments, and who celebrate with me with during the highest moments….priceless gems.

I hurt some, healed a lot. I even found love again in a very patient boy who encourages me to be

my best in Him with humility and with a great sense of humor - even when he’s miles away.

There’s so much more I could say, but I’ll leave it at gratitude.

I’m so thankful.

No, moving to Carolina didn’t confine me as I thought it would. It freed me.

If I’ve learned one thing during my time here it’s to never say never;

to trust when I cannot see;

to listen to my Madre;

and to enjoy the little things along the way.

So now, I’m 前向き. I’m forward-looking and excited for things to come.

Even though there are days when I would do anything to rush the future along, my path reminds me to be

content in the journey - because He’s proven that its such a worthy, joy-filled ride.

That time will come. In the meantime, I have the days before me - a hip surgery I didn’t know I’d have and a

trip to Central Europe that I never thought I’d lead. Next year, I have a Masters in Accounting to complete - one I said I’d never do.

After that? Who knows. Probably more things I said I'd never do.

I’m perfectly okay with it all.

And next time I move somewhere, I know I'll be looking out the window with much more excitement than

I did 4 years ago.

There are far better things ahead than we leave behind, after all.

Sorry its been so long friends.

Love and joy always,

G

rooted and rested

I wrote, once, that every season has a smell.
I still believe it.

If I were to characterize the last few months in smells, it would be such a whirlwind. There would be whiffs of bagels from the business school and the musty smell of my Sensei's office.
I would smell paper and eraser shavings...sweaty running clothes and a whole lot of coffee.
Constant coffee, actually.
(Probably too much)

To be quite honest, I probably didn't stop as much as I should have to smell them.

I fell into the lie that busyness is necessary and that unless I'm running around doing something productive, I'm being lazy. 

That's not true, of course. 

I'd forgotten. 

There's wisdom in intentional stillness - there's growth in the quiet. 

I began the New Year purposing to slow down and to reject anxiety and to choose rest.
Effectively, to give myself a break.
I was wiped and refusing to believe it.

I determined to rediscover the art of slowing down and to remember all there is to be learned in the quiet. 

Quiet is quite beautiful, you know.

So far, it's been great. 

I'm sleeping more and seeing more and smelling more (again).

I missed it.

Throughout the process, I'm growing.
And as always, it's a good feeling.

I'm excited for the weeks ahead and the smells they bring because I know I'll be better able to enjoy them.

I know they'll be busy.
There will be 18 credit-hour smells, work smells, volunteering smells, and even some smells from Japan...(Yes, I'm going back friends. Be on the lookout for updates and pictures).

But I'm stoked and ready to sniff up a storm.

Bring it on, Spring 2018.

I'm ready for you...
One day and one smell at a time.

I can't wait to see all you hold.

Love always,

G

a hopeful undertone

Sometimes it takes my breath away - the speed of the last 4 months.

It's been a whirlwind.

This semester has been tough. But it's been equally as lovely.

Once again, I laughed a lot, cried some, and learned a whole lot in the process.
さすがね。

I learned not to take myself too seriously...to put the schoolbooks down for a bit of fun.

I learned what it means to take a different route - to stand still while the crowd swarms toward internships and corporate career paths.
I'm learning to look into the face of my Creator to see where He would have me go.

I'm learning to release guilt, reject anxiety, and walk forward in joyful obedience.

I'm learning how beautiful it is that the Father desires to be intimate with us. He wants to be with us. Even when we reject him at our worst.
Hot dang, what Love.

I'm very thankful.

Stress is real. Homework happens. And the job search is intense.
We lose people we love, don't care as much as we should, and say things we don't mean.
People can be insensitive. Professors aren't always understanding.
Sometimes, I just wanna sit down and eat all the dark chocolate chips.

But there is goodness to be found.
Lots of it, actually.

This is how we root ourselves in the Father's delight - in repeating truths to ourselves and in choosing to believe in a bigger story.

So that's how I march on.

A soldier He has called me.
A soldier I shall be - lifted by a hopeful undertone and rooted in His delight.

Sorry it's been so long.

As always,

G

Why Nanzan.

People always ask me, “Why Nanzan?”

I’m never quite sure how to answer.

At first, it was the cost-value and the dates that matched perfectly with my plans. It was the amazing academic program and the promise of finishing with the ability to speak more Japanese.

Yes, the studies were wonderful - the senseis were incredible and I learned so much Japanese.

(I've started thinking in Japanese. It's all sorts of confusing.)

But, as my time at Nanzan comes to a close, I realize I was there for quite another reason.

Quite honestly, the academic aspects of my time in Nagoya are mere fragments of what I experienced there.

There was so much more to be learned...so much to be gained.

I've seen the Lord bring me friends who are so close, I can't believe I've only known them 6 weeks....friends who I know I'll connect with for life. 

I've seen the Gospel work vividly in this country, in this city, and in the lives of my friends.

I've felt the overwhelming weight of His love, been reminded of the clarity and truth of the Gospel, and gotten so many opportunities to boldly speak of that Love to those around me.

I have new vision...the Spirit is on the move. 

And He's been so good. 

さすがね？

Every time I leave this country, I always wonder how is it that a heart can be split so strongly between two opposite sides of the globe?

It's the weirdest feeling.
And even for the many times I've made this trek, it doesn't get any easier.
Japan is a part of me.

But even though I leave Japan, sad at the passing of such a golden season, I'm not completely forlorn. 

This is only the beginning. 

Yes, I leave Nanzan University with more than just improved Japanese and an over-stuffed suitcase.

I leave with teary eyes, a full heart, and eyes open to take in all that the Lord is doing.
I leave grateful. So grateful....
and so much better able to answer that ever-present question,

"Why Nanzan?"

Because the Lord knew I needed it.

That's why.
Because He always knows best.
And He is faithful to take good care of his children.

驚くばかりの恵みなり...

Always,

G